Survivor or Victim?

Look At Me! I am a Victim!
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg

Being a victim in any sense is not a happy thing, or something to rejoice, but there are those in this world that wear their victim status like a badge. Look at me, feel sorry for me because I am a victim. Do these people ever stop to realize that they are in the position of being repeatedly victimized because they focus their energy on being a victim, rather than being a survivor?

Those who focus their attention on the fact that they have been victimized may as well wear a sign on their back saying, I'm a victim and I'm good at it, so take a shot at me.

Being a survivor means realizing that you have been victimized and moving on; doing those things that will prevent you from being abused further. It doesn't mean parading around, shouting to the world, that you have suffered.

Everyone suffers, to different degrees, at some point in their lives. Would you shout for the world to hear that someone broke into your house, stole your mail, or cheated you in some way? Probably not, unless you like starting gossip. These things cause suffering, but those victimized in this way don't proclaim their victimization to every listening ear. Typically, they are considered private matters, reserved for discussion among confidants.

Most domestic abuse victims don't shout it from the rooftops either. In fact, those who suffer these types of abuses: domestic violence, rape, incest, etc. don't speak much about it at all. This is the major reason they don't get the help they need.

Those who do get out of the abuser's way, don't broadcast it from anywhere either. They consider it to be private. Some use their experiences to help others, while victimization queens want to blame everything that goes wrong in their lives on having been abused in some way, want pity from others, and act as though they are proud to have been abused; not proud to have survived, but proud of having been a victim.

What other reason than pity would anyone tell perfect strangers things like: I was molested as a child... I was raped as an adult.... My spouse used to beat the crap out of me... My family controlled my life... Those statements reflect either an extreme need for others' pity, or a refusal to let go of the past. Or both.

Survivors have a message of strength and hope. Victimization queens have a message of what...? Feel sorry for me because I have suffered? Their message is, look at me; I am still a victim; I am a victim of myself.

There is a difference between seeking help to change the circumstances of your life, and seeking out pity. Survivors seek and maintain change in their lives, they do not seek pity, nor do they accept the pity of others. Survivors focus on the future, not the past. Survivors tend to attempt to help others get out of the victimization cycle through the sharing of their experiences; they do not seek recognition as a victim.

I have come across people who shout their victimization from their soap boxes, begging for attention and pity from all within earshot. These people are not what I would call a survivor, but rather those who would use past victimization for attention. Often times, the attention they crave brings about further abuse from other sources.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse, and I share my experience with others as a way to help those who are currently in the situation I found myself in, get out. I don't ask for pity, or special treatment because I once suffered. I have a message to others that empowers them to take control of their lives. There is no need for anyone to feel sorry for me, because I have survived. Mine is a message of survival.

For those who would use their perceived status as a victim for manipulation detract from those who are genuinely in need of and seeking help to survive. Survivors do not use past abuse to excuse their present actions or behaviors, like the person who kills someone and claims, 'I was abused as a child, don't hold me responsible for what I've done.' Survival is about building new bridges, not attempting to stand on a burned one.

Copyright © 2008
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About the Author:
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg
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Keywords: domestic abuse, domestic violence, victim, survivor