The Illusion of Helplessness

Do Not Lend Yourself to the Illusion That You Are Helpless
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg

So many victimized women today could be free of their abusers, if they could get past the notion that they are helpless to change their situation. The idea of helplessness is a lie, which has been told and perpetuated by the abuser. This is another method they use to assert control.

The only person who can change the circumstances of your life is you, no one else. You can take back your life. There are people and agencies out there who can help, but you have to be the one to reach out and ask for it. No one will ride into your life and save you; you must save yourself.

Psychological abuse is the non-violent method that abusers use to keep their victim under control. They basically program their victim to believe that there is nothing they can do to stop the abuse; that the abuse is the fault of the victim, and that they [victim] need to do all the changing to make life better.

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. The only way to stop the abuse is to leave the abusive situation, whether it be temporarily, or permanently. There is no other way. However, I do not recommend making a temporary move, but rather a permanent one, because abusers seldom change their behavior permanently. Promises of change are part of the control issue, and they use it to keep their victims from leaving forever. The abuse cycle works that way. Pain, promises, and temporary change, and the cycle then returns to the pain. Once they feel confident that you're not going anywhere, they return to their abusive behaviors.

Psychologists refer to the promises and the appearance of change as the 'Honeymoon Phase.' To keep you from leaving forever, they start treating you like a queen, and as soon as they feel they've succeeded in keeping you, the cycle refreshes, and the pain begins again.

Do not fall for this. Get out and stay out. You are not helpless. Your abuser wants you to think you are, but you have power. You can change your life to be anything you want it to be. Your perceived helplessness is an illusion created for you to keep you under control.

You deserve to be loved and respected, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

My ex-mother-in-law, a victim of abuse herself, once chastised me because I had my ex, her son, arrested for biting me. She referred to the situation as a 'little thing.' Never mind the fact that he left a bruise the size of a softball on the back of my arm, to her it was a 'little thing.'

Why did she feel this way? Well, because she had suffered abuse from her husband for decades, and had been programmed to think she deserved it and was helpless to stop it; therefore, she thought I had done something to deserve being bitten. She ended up committing suicide, feeling that it was her only way out. She was wrong. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and she could've gotten out some other way. She didn't seek help, and rejected my offers of help because she genuinely thought it was all her fault, and that she was helpless.

Get help. Confide in someone who is in a position to help: a doctor, a friend, a family member, an outreach program, something! There are people out there who can and will help, but you have to take responsibility for your life and seek it out. No one can help you if you don't tell them you need it. Get proactive and ask for help to restore sanity and safety to your life.

Copyright © 2008
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About the Author:
Trina L.C. Sonnenberg
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